Never
by Obiwriter341
Summary: The path of a Jedi is a hard one, as young Anakin Skywalker is discovering.


**The voices in my head say I should warn you that I don't own Star Wars.**

**Don't ask me what Sith-begotten planet that deranged plot-bunny came from, but here is the result.**

_He was back on Themlar, fighting notorious slaver Caleb Ro-Than with his Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. They were at the slave market, attempting to apprehend the dangerous criminal. He was to stand trial for his crimes against the Republic. He was trying to hold Ro-Than off until his Master, who had been wounded by a blaster could catch up with the fight. He knew that Obi-Wan was not far behind; the blaster fire had merely clipped the older man's shoulder. Unfortunately, Ro-Than had backed the young Jedi into a corner._

_Baring his pointed yellow teeth in a fierce snarl, the man approached, backing him farther and farther down the dead-end alleyway. He held his lightsaber out in front of him, in a classic defensive position, praying that his Master would soon come to his aid. Suddenly, Ro-Than fired a barrage of shots toward him, and his lightsaber moved quickly, a blur of ice blue flame to deflect the shots. He was pure motion, not stopping to think or even breathe. Then, suddenly, there were no more shots to block. He looked down at the corpse of his enemy, his first kill. _

_He had killed a man. He had ended a life._

_Obi-Wan raced down the alley, but it was too late. The deed was done._

_He knew that Ro-Than was evil, and maybe the man had deserved his fate. Killed by his own blaster bolt._

_He was broken inside. Something was missing; he was detached. He would never be the same again, knowing that a man was dead because of his actions. _

"NO!"

Anakin Skywalker sat bolt upright on his sleep-couch, his breathing heavy, his forehead damp with sweat, and his face damp with tears. "No." The eleven-year-old boy leaned back against his pillows as a soft knocking at his door alerted him to his Master's presence.

"Anakin, may I come in?" When silence was Obi-Wan's only answer, he slowly opened the door, his glowrod illuminating the darkened room.

"Padawan…" Obi Wan sat on the sleep couch next to Anakin. "Another nightmare?" he asked sympathetically.

Not attempting to hide his tears, Anakin nodded slightly. "We- we were on T-Thelmar, and Ro-Than…" He did not have to say anything more. Obi-Wan already knew of the events that had been troubling his Padawan for months.

"Oh, Anakin," Obi-Wan pulled the boy closer. He knew it had been a bad nightmare when his Padawan didn't resist the embrace. "I know, I know. The life of a Jedi is a difficult one. As much as we try to avoid killing, sometimes it is necessary. Ro-Than would have killed you. You acted in self-defense."

Anakin looked up at Obi-Wan with watery eyes. "Back on Tatooine, Mom told me that each life is sacred. I got really mad sometimes, at Gardulla, at Watto, at the galaxy. I wanted to hurt Gardulla, betting Mom and me on a Podrace. I wanted to hurt her really badly, Master, to show her that I was a person, not a thing! But then, Mom told me that it was wrong. I can remember her exact words. 'Everyone is some mother's little child, Ani.'"

Obi-Wan looked at his apprentice, so small in that moment. _Eleven years old is too young to see this side of the universe,_ he thought grimly.

Anakin went on. "As a Jedi, I should be better than this. Thelmar was months ago. Am I weak to feel this way?"

Choosing his words carefully, Obi-Wan began to speak. "Anakin, I want to share with you some wise words my Master once shared with me: The guilt and remorse you feel now do not make you weak. They make you human. They prove that you have a heart."

"If to feel this is to be human, I want to be a droid."

Obi-Wan chuckled. At least his Padawan was regaining his sense of humor. Taking that as a good sign, he playfully teased back, "Ah, but if you were a droid, I fear that you would not be nearly as competent with a lightsaber as you are now."

"Yeah, and with the way droids are put together these days…"

The pair shared a quiet laugh, careful not to wake the nearby teams still slumbering peacefully.

"But, Master, when I left Mom, I never thought being a Jedi would be so hard," Anakin sighed.

Obi-Wan gave a compassionate smile. "Not one Initiate who sat polishing his or her lightsaber hilt and praying to be chosen by a Master thought it would be either. All my life, being a Jedi Knight was all I ever wanted. I dreamt of daring lightsaber duels, fantastic rescues, and thrilling chases. I never imagined the terrible shadow being a Jedi could leave on your heart."

Anakin dried the last tears from his face, which was still puffy and red in the dim light Obi-Wan's glowrod cast over the sleep-couch. The two Jedi sat in a companionable silence for a few minutes before Anakin once more spoke. "Master… will I ever get used to it?"

Obi-Wan looked down at his young apprentice. "I hope not, Anakin. I hope you never do."


End file.
